Theodore Roosevelt is credited for the quote “comparison is the thief of joy”.
I’m not sure the background behind the quote, and I’m not going to dig into the history, but it is definitely relevant not only as a human but as a parent, and especially as a homeschooling parent.
Comparing the abilities of your baby to other babies of the same age is such a common thing (as I talked about a bit in It’s Going to be ok, New Mama), and I’m not sure why.
It seems to be such a common practice among us humans. (I wonder if other animals do this too?)
Is it “survival of the fittest” and somehow biological, or is it just something that’s ingrained in us from birth, as it’s been passed down from previous generations?
And does it ever stop?
When do we stop comparing our offspring to those of others?
I feel like even as an adult, our parents talk about our accomplishments as though that’s the best thing about us.
How well we are doing, how hard we are working, how much money we make, how happy we are with our partners or how long we’ve been with them, how many children we have … and then it gets reflected in how great we are as parents because of how smart our children are or how athletic they are.
Is it pride, or boasting, or one-upping?
Does it make parents and grandparents feel more accomplished if WE, the offspring, do better in those things?
Honestly, if you ask me as a parent what I wish for my children, my answer will be for them to be happy and kind. I think that’s probably a pretty common answer for most parents.
Why, then, do we compare how “smart” they are or how good they are at sports?
None of those contribute to their happiness, necessarily.
Neither of those things reflect how they treat other people, which, I think, is most important.
Yes we want them to be self sufficient adults when they get older but do they really have to be better than anyone else?
No, of course not.
But my goodness, it’s hard NOT to compare.
When I see children who are more adept than mine at something, my self confidence in my abilities as their parent gets a little shaken. If my child is better at something their peers, I feel proud as though I’ve accomplished something, yet I don’t judge the other child(ren) or their parents.
So why do I judge myself when my child isn’t able to do something someone else’s child can?
It really makes no sense, yet here we are.
As a homeschooling family who does not follow any specific curriculum, our choices get questioned all the time. It seems you have to be pretty confident in your parenting to choose this path and continue it long term, yet second guessing ourselves as parents is something we’ve been conditioned to do too. We take pride and credit when our kids are awesome at something so it’s only natural that when they are not, that speaks to our parenting abilities as well, right?
The same goes for behavior.
When our children are “well behaved”: quiet, well mannered, still and calm; we take great pride in being the “great parents” that taught them to be “good”.
And when they are not, when they touch all the things and dash out of sight and yell or bicker or pick at each other in public, well that makes us terrible parents of course.
Doesn’t it?
Does it?
Who is it that puts that pressure on us, and them?
Is it us or is it society?
Is the the little voice in our heads that we’ve been raised hearing?
Why do we take such pride in our kids being “good”?
What does “good” even mean?
Does it mean compliant?
Not showing any uncomfortable emotions?
Obeying?
Being quiet and non energetic?
Using manners at every chance? Those “magic words” that adults rarely use when speaking to children, but those same adults refuse to do things for those same children unless the “magic words” are used…
I think of “good” as being kind. Not intentionally hurting others, and intrinsically, meaningfully apologizing when you do.
But I also know that children have energy, and they often do not have the maturity or brain development for self control, or the ability to sit still and just be quiet. Children’s bodies are built to move, to expel energy, to learn with by using those bodies.
Homeschooling for us means they are more able to use their bodies naturally.
They are not forced to sit still at their desks to do work.
They can go outside at any time, or run loops around our living room and kitchen.
They can climb and jump and swing on the equipment at home that we have for exactly those things, so they can use them whenever they need to expel that energy.
While visiting at Christmas, we ran into a few days where my children were amped up on family gatherings, chocolate and candy and all of the excitement of the Holidays. They are used to having appropriate outlets for such energy but there, they did not, and it caused friction.
And yet when they were compliant and calm, and someone commented on “What good kids you have”, there was pride taken in that.
Should we feel pride for that?
Maybe the pride should be taken in the fact that your children want to move, play, learn, and enjoy life around them, even if it makes the adults around them uncomfortable.
Maybe you should take pride in knowing what situations you are able expose your children to and which situations to avoid until those children are physiologically ready to sit still and be quiet.
Sometimes that’s possible, and sometimes it is not; like when you go grocery shopping and every second thing they walk by gets taken off the shelves, or you all go to the optometrist and they can’t sit still long enough for you to have your eyes checked too.
Or they can’t stop touching the glasses on display and the employees say “It’s fine, these are kids glasses, they’re indestructible.” Which is great, but that display over there isn’t and they won’t know the difference when I turn my back for a second…
I digress.
It’s hard to remember that your child’s accomplishments are not your own, as their failures are not either.
They are their own people and it is up to them to decide who they want to be.
If you can remember that, you can take away that pressure for them to be on par or above their peers.
If you can reign in your own insecurities and allow them to be themselves, in their own time, at their own pace, as life interests them, maybe you will see them excel in something completely unexpected.
Maybe they will be behind their peers in some things, but maybe they will be a pioneer in something else.
Maybe they’ll be an inventor.
Or a famous artist.
Or maybe they will happily clean the halls of their local school and be a special person for children to talk to when they have no one else.
Maybe they will make just barley enough money to get by and volunteer in orphanages around the world, giving love and security to children who wouldn’t get it otherwise.
Now that would make this mama pretty proud.
Whatever they may be, it could mean we need to step back and rewire our own brains to have faith in our children.
To have faith in ourselves to allow our children to grow as they will organically.
To be there to support them, to support their learning and their interests but not to force them. Not compare them. Let them have their joy.
So damn hard but so damn important.
They are so damn important.
The most important.
And they are worth all the hard work we need to do on ourselves so they can be themselves, without comparison.
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