I’m struggling today.
It started in the strangest way.
We’re currently in a lockdown, which is fine with our family because, quite honestly, we don’t really do anything other than one activity (a private, family class of Mixed Martial Arts one hour, two days a week). We’ve basically been living the lockdown life since this whole thing started 10 months ago.
TEN MONTHS AGO!
Our little family of five have been home and together for 10 months. No outings other than an odd trail walk (I think we’ve done that five times?), no socializing other than a family we bubbled with while my husband was deployed, and one activity/sport.
The lockdown doesn’t end for our area until Jan 23.
School goes back into session on Jan 11.
And this is where my spiral started.
Children who go to public school can go and be in a room with 20-30 other children for 5 hours a day. They can interact with staff and play on the playground and go on buses 5 days a week.
Why? Because parents need to work and children need to be around other children.
I get it, I do. Virtual learning does not work for many students or many teachers.
I have friends who are solo parenting, working in childcare as an essential worker and paying a babysitter to look after their children through the day, while squeezing in the days’ curriculum in the time between making supper and sending the children to bed.
And for parents that work from home, it’s not any easier. How many parents aren’t able to focus on their jobs while their children are trying to attend class on the computer? How many families do not have the resources for multiple online devices, or internet that works properly?
I mean, the whole thing is just a mess and I totally understand why children need to go back to school.
What’s frustrating for me is that these kids can go back to school and interact with all of those other children and staff, etc, and my children cannot attend a private family lesson, one hour a day, two days a week.
Now, a friend made a good point: it’s an extracurricular activity. It’s not necessary. And if our family were exempt, everyone else would want to be exempt as there are others who also feel it’s important for their children to be in activities or sports.
And my friend is not wrong. I agree with her.
But I’m tired, damn it. Not only because I’ve been with my children non stop since… well, let’s be real, I’ve been with them non stop for their entire lives, basically.
But doing it when you have activities to go to, and other humans to talk to, and friends to vent and laugh with… it’s WAY different than being stuck at home with your children non stop.
And we’ve been doing it for ten months. More than half of that has been solo while my husband was away in Latvia.
Plus, my kids deserve to be social too, don’t they? They deserve to interact with someone other than the people they live with, even if it’s just one person: their Sensei. They deserve to have an outlet and a place to go to learn, to be physical, and to grow as little humans. That’s what this little class does for them. But they don’t get to have it because they’re not in public school and any alternative doesn’t count? It’s not fair. I might get it, but it’s not fair.
Poor me, right? I know, I know, so many people have lost loved ones over these 10 months, nobody gets to see their families who are far away, and here I am just complaining about missing out on being social. Wah wah wah, cry me a river, right?
But here’s the thing: Life is made up of moments, right?
Life is made up of memories and experiences and time spent with the people you love, right?
And right now, we aren’t doing any of it.
We’re alive, yes, but we aren’t really living life.
So that’s where my head is today. This is my struggle. And it feels big.
I recently saw someone in a video talking about the elderly. They were talking about how the elderly are struggling because they’re being kept apart from their families and they can’t hug anyone and they’re just feeling so alone and lonely. This person mentioned how these elderly people would rather risk becoming sick and dying, than live without seeing their family and loved ones. They talked about how not being able to hug and kiss and talk to their children and grandchildren now, for a short time, is more hurtful and detrimental than being alone for the next year and dying alone.
I am not one to take Covid lightly. Honestly, I’m not.
I’ve been super careful and worried about getting it and worried about passing it onto others.
I’ve been worried that I’m not healthy enough to survive it if I get it, and my children losing their mother.
I’ve been worried that my children would be in pain or agony if they were to contract it and there’s not a thing anyone would be able to do to make them feel better.
I’ve worried that my parents might get sick and not make it through.
So we’ve just stayed home.
But 10 months in and, today at least, I’m beginning to feel like it’s not worth it.
Why are we staying alive and healthy just to stay home and do nothing?
Is it really better to live for a long time at home, missing your extended family and friends, losing out on experiences and memories that you could be making, than it is to go out and live your best life for a short time before you die? If you die. (And yes, I know it’s more about keeping others safe than yourself and that’s a really selfish thing to say. I hear it even as I write it, but this is where my head is today, ok?)
I worry so much that this is not going to be over any time soon. I really, truly believe it’s going to be years still until this all gets sorted out. And what happens in the meantime? All of those years, all of those moments that my children are missing out on time spent with their family, with their friends, with their grandparents. I’m so scared that something will happen to my parents before we get a chance to go home and see them again. That my children are missing out on memories they should be making with their grandparents.
One of the things we gave my parents for Christmas was “a hug”. Each kid laid down on a long piece of paper and stretched their arms out while I traced them from fingertip to fingertip. Then, we wrote on them the things they miss about them or love about their grandparents, and they colored them before I mailed them to my “elf” (sister) to wrap and deliver.
These are the things my children wanted their grandparents to know:
- I like watching the news with Gampy and fetching him newspapers
- I love Nan’s cookies
- I miss staying home with Gampy
- I miss playing games with you
- I miss going to church with Nan
- I miss reading books with Nan
- I miss when you let me wake up and play with you for a few whiles until Momma gets up
- I miss Nan putting her necklace on me
- I miss sitting on your lap when I want to
These are the moments that are being missed. They’re not special, they cost nothing, but they mean so much to my children and they’re missing the opportunity to make more before my parents, already in their 70’s, can no longer make more.
My worry and fear was all about getting Covid in the last 10 months and now, today, there’s a shift. Today my worry and fear is all about the time and memories we’re missing out on. That, in the quest to stay healthy and alive, we are missing out on living life at all.
It’s a pretty crappy day for me, my friends. It’s a struggle I know many of you are experiencing, and one I wish on no one.
*Update: It was announced today that schools will not go back to being “in person” for at least two more weeks. This makes me feel equally less frustrated with my own situation as well as sad for those families who are struggling to make the impossible situation of virtual learning work for them.
It’s just a no win situation for everyone.
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