Back in November, I talked a bit about a loss in our family and I said I’d elaborate a little bit more…
Now I think I’m ready.
So, to be clear, the loss was not technically a part of our immediate family. The loss was a lovely lady named Nancy, who I have known for most of my life as she is married to the brother of my brother-in-law. (Stick with me: Nancy married Mike, Mike and Jeff are brothers, Jeff has been Shelley’s spouse for 30+ years, and Shelley is my older sister… so family, but also not.) Nancy was also a best friend to my other sister, so not only was she an aunt to my niece and nephew through my one sister, but she was a surrogate/chosen aunt to my nieces through my other sister.
Nancy had been battling cancer for many years. I want to say 10, but I’m not entirely sure… it’s been a long time, though.
And through this entire fight (and fight she did), she had the most incredible attitude. She was always smiling, always teasing and making jokes, always warm and welcoming.
The loss of this lady hit harder for me than I expected, to be honest. In fact, the day she died I was thinking of her, and what I wanted to tell her when I called (which I planned to do that afternoon). I wanted to tell her how her smile always lit up the room. How she always made everyone feel special, because she was also happy to see you, making a point to talk to you about your life. She had one of the most infectious laughs I’d ever known, and talking to her, honestly, just always felt like a warm hug… and her actual, physical warm hugs were like the hot fudge topping. She was truly an awesome person. And it’s really not fair that she had to leave this world so soon. During her service, I really thought about how that line “too good for earth” really was true for her. She was the sweetest.
The reason I really wanted to talk about her was because she knew… she knew she wasn’t going to be able to stay here earthside much longer. And instead of wallowing in it, she lived it and filled her days (when she felt well enough) with people and activities she loved. She also spent time planning… She met with her pastor, and she planned her entire service with him. She asked people, personally, to speak at her service, and made sure everyone was going to talk about how she celebrated life and wanted everyone to celebrate too, not feel too sad about losing her. She made all of the arrangements she could, so that her husband wouldn’t have to worry about it. He could just grieve and mourn her, without worrying about her service, or arrangements, or even her obituary.
Yes, she wrote her own obituary. She chose what she wanted people to read about her, and how she wanted it read. And I thought that was such a beautiful gift, not only for her husband so he wouldn’t have to worry about it, but also for herself, to be able to share the parts she wanted to.
This is actually still harder for me to write about than I thought, even though she’s been gone for months. The world is a little darker without Nancy’s light. I truly hope she knew how cherished she was.
So if there’s one takeaway from reading this, it would be to go ahead and write your own obituary. You don’t need to talk about how you pass, but mention the things you want to be mentioned. And talk to your family about what you want for a service, where you want your things to go, who you’d like to speak for you… even all of your passwords, account information, etc. Even if you just write it all down and make sure that people know exactly where to find it, it will be a huge help to those who will be heartbroken when you go.
And also, just, remember to be kind. You don’t know what people are going through. And you never know how much your kindness might be exactly what they need. If Nancy taught us anything, it’s that.
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