This is my four year olds unlit birthday candle.
Her birthday was yesterday.
I cancelled it halfway through the day.
No special birthday supper (she had chosen pancakes).
No special Frozen Anna ice-cream cake from DQ that she requested.
Cancelled.
The day started with her being “so excited” and “this day is amazing!” She opened one gift and then gave the others to her siblings to open so they could have a turn. There were balloons and hugs and thank you’s.
My heart was full…
And then she intentionally, unprovoked, unexpectedly, poked her brother in the eye with something hard and was sent to her room. She was sad only because she was getting ready to play with her new Kinetic Sand her grandparents sent her.
She came out, everything was played with, and then everyone went outside for a bit.
I looked over to see her pick up a heavy rock with both hands and throw it toward her siblings on the swing-set, and in to her room she went again.
We aren’t a hugely punitive family. I try to be more of a gentle/positive/responsive parent. We talk and hugs things out and they don’t know what a “time out” is. But when it comes to just being mean and hurtful without cause or reason, they need to be alone a bit and I need to be away from them, quite frankly, so that I can calm down and gather my thoughts enough to be properly responsive.
When she came out again, I warned her that any other hurtful behavior would result in the cancellation of her birthday. No cake, no pancakes, all done.
I had the cake out, the candle in, the laptop on the table so we could call special family to sing with us. Everything was ready and MB (Middle Born) comes inside crying because birthday girl threw sand at her. Intentionally.
*Sigh.*
Back to her room she is sent. Cake goes to the freezer. People are message so nobody is waiting for the call.
I’m upset and crying because birthdays are such special days for us.
We talk about birthdays for months.
She has been excitedly talking about it every day for a week.
We’ve been counting down and making plans.
Birthdays in our immediate family aren’t about gifts (she got two “sleep-dresses” and a shirt with her name and a 4 printed on it because that’s what she asked for).
Birthdays for us are all about the birthday person: they wake up to balloons and streamers and decorations. They get to choose what they eat and what we do all day long. (*When the movie “Yes Day” came out, we realized it’s basically what each of our individual kids get for their birthday.*)
It’s kind of a big deal.
Also realized that it’s a super big deal to me because I don’t ever get anything special on my birthday. As a mom, it’s often forgotten and overlooked. My husband didn’t even say Happy Birthday last year when I turned 40. I mean, he was in the field that day but he could have done or said something, anything. But he rarely even remembers my birthday, so the kids never know until I tell them. I never feel special on my birthday now that I’m a mom, so celebrating my kids on their birthday, making a big deal and making them feel super special, is how I make up for the feelings of not feeling special on my own day, I think. It makes me feel special to make them feel special. Although I just realized that yesterday.
Seriously, I was SO UPSET that I had to follow through with my consequence and cancel her day. And she was in her room, playing and singing and dancing, like she couldn’t even care less.
I was heartbroken. Honestly, I still am.
I wanted so much for this birthday to be extra awesome, for reasons I’ll share in a future post but I’m not ready to share quite yet. (*update* Her Dad was away in Latvia and we were still dealing with the pandemic.) And then it had to be cancelled.
I’m still mad and hurt and disappointed. I don’t want to adult today. I don’t want to parent. And I’ve got no choice because it’s just us today. No tag team. No grandparents or aunts to ditch them with so I can have some time. Just me. And them. All day, all night, all the time.
Sometimes being a parent sucks.
Following through on consequences promised, even though it hurts you more than it hurts them, sucks.
Not getting a much needed break/mental health Da, sucks.
Some days, it just all sucks.
And then, tomorrow is another day.
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